There's No ONE Answer...

I've always been a person that researches pretty much everything. I look up reviews on products before I purchase them. I read all the review on books before I buy them. Its not that the reviews are going to make my decision on any one subject final; Most times I have already made up my mind about my purchases. I just find the various opinions of others amusing and interesting.
The same goes for my relationship with my husband. 
I don't know very many married couples my age, so I take to Google Search and other social media outlets when I come up against something in this married life that I know close to nothing about. I blow up search engines, look up articles and read books until my vision goes blurry, trying to find someone who knows something about whatever it is I'm going through.
I find a lot of general info, but most times I come up empty.
This left me frustrated because I know I'm not the only thirty-something married woman that has issues with her husband. I can't be. Someone somewhere knows my struggle and understands my pain. 
Anyone? Anywhere?
*sigh*
So after sitting and contemplating, praying and seeking, searching and Googling, I've come up with an answer that may help, but then again it may not:
"There is no one answer..."
Marriage is like a fingerprint. Its unique to the person it belongs to. There is no one in this world like you, and no one in this world like your husband, so why would there be a specific answer to your question because you are the only 2 people involved? I found a lot of general answers because there is nothing new about my marriage that's never happened, but there is no relationship that is exactly like mine.

"What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun."
Ecclesiastes 1:9

Marriage has been around almost since the beginning. Adam and Eve did it first and there's been very little change since then. The answers you are looking for to the questions you may have are between you, your husband, and God, the creator of marriage. He's the only person that can give you marriage-specific direction in regard to your own marriage.
So put the books down, turn off the computer, grab your husband's hand and pray together. That's how things will change.
Otherwise, I'm sorry but, there's no ONE answer for you... 

Inside and Out...

I know that I wrote a blog entry on the importance of wives keeping up their outer appearance. I still believe that this is extremely important. Men are visual beings. Most likely, your husband was attracted to your outer beauty before he got to know what your inner qualities consisted of.
However, many times a wife may continue to care for the outer body and begin to neglect the inner self, especially with age.
We see so many times that men leave their seasoned wives for younger women, so we are determined to keep the body right and tight, the skin youthful and flawless and the hair dyed and laid to the side. Don't let me seem as though there is something wrong with maintaining the outer appearance. There is absolutely nothing wrong with making sure that you remain attractive to yourself and your husband.
However....
We shouldn't get so bogged down with the way our hair and nails look that we forget that we have an inner attractive to maintain as well.

1 Peter 3:3-5
"Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They trusted God and accepted the authority of their husbands." ( NLT)

This whole study taught me one thing:
You can look fantabulous on the outside, but your husband sees every aspect of you. He sees you when all of the makeup has been washed away,  when the wrap scarf goes on and the stilettos come off.
Your appearance will not continually impress him but your attitude and demeanor will keep him interested in you.
It's true that appearance doesn't last. Boobs sag, hair gets nappy, heels break and clothes get too tight. It's a fact of life and it comes with time. Looks fade. We have to spend even more time cultivating our inner woman than we do on our outside. Our looks may get the ring, but the inner beauty keeps the man.

Strive to be the total package, ladies. Inside as well as outside...

It's More than Just a Good Bra...

Take a moment and think about how it feels to have on a good brassiere.

(This may just be the oddest statement I've ever opened a blog post with...)

If you are blessed with ample breasts the way I have been, you've had the bra talk with someone at some point in your life. A good bra has many benefits to both the body and the attitude. When you've had on a non-supportive bra all day, you can be in an extremely bad mood. Your shoulders hurt, back hurts and sometimes your feet even hurt. I've even had a few bruises after taking one off after a long day!And don't get me started on a pokey underwire...
Yeah, it can get crazy...
But putting on a good bra after having on a bad one for so long makes you feel like you've started your life over. You can take a deep breath in and exhale without any sharp pains or needing adjustments. It doesn't hurt anywhere and it's comfortable. It can make you feel and look sexy and confident. It feels like you can wear it forever.
Do you know the difference between a good bra and a bad bra?
Support.
Sooo, are you a good bra or a bad bra in your marriage???

Proverbs 12:25
Anxiety weighs down the heart,
but a kind word cheers it up." (NIV)

You have the opportunity to be a tone-setting support system in your marriage. How do you like being encouraged? Do you like your back being rubbed while you talk about your bad day? A kind text message to remind you how much you're loved? A little sexy time and intimate attention sometimes?
Your husband likes the same things. And when you encourage him, you're showing him how to encourage you.
Discouragement can make the stresses of life feel even more stressful. If you have no one in your corner cheering you on while you're going all in on the outside of the house, you're not going to feel very optimistic about your relationship with your husband. He has a lot on his mind too. I know sometimes I have a way of making my husband feel bad about not encouraging me, but when I think about it, I haven't always been as supportive as I could be. And it's not always how I want to support him; it's how he needs to e supported.
A marriage needs support from both sides, eerily similar to a good bra. You know how it feels to wear a bad one: would you want to walk around with that pain for the rest of your life?
So throw all of those old, raggedy bras away (literally!). They're no good to anyone. Get some good support so you can be a good support to your man...
 
Like a good bra :)

What Are You Saying???

Please make a note to yourself to strike the following words &/or phrases from your daily vocabulary, thought processes and lifestyle:

*This is just how its gonna be.
*My marriage will never change.
*That's just who I am.
*My husband will never change.
*Nothing ever goes right with me.
*I hate being married.
*I can't do this anymore.
*"You can just leave!"

Feel free to alter your own list and add to it every negative things they you find yourself saying and thinking about your relationship with your man.
Ask yourself this question: "How can  expect my marriage, or my life, to change if I'm always saying and thinking negatively about it?"

Hmmmm....

Proverbs 18:21
"Death and life  are  in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit." ( NKJV)

You have a lot of power. You can decide what the outcome of your marriage will be, through Christ, and that decision can be determined by your words. What you speak out of your very own mouth about your husband and your relationship is what you will begin to see with your very own eyes. If you say it won't work, then it won't. If you say you hate your marriage, then you will.
But if you say what you want to happen, and what you have faith in God to happen, you will see that as well, because your words are according to your faith.

2 Corinthians 5:7
"For we walk by faith, not by sight."
( NKJV)

You have to decide what you want and say it, even before you see it start. If you want your marriage to change, for you to change and for your husband to change, you can't just want it. You have to pray about it! Tell God how you are feeling and believe that He cares and will move in your marriage. Then begin to speak it... Out. Loud.
At first I promise it will feel weird, but remember, we are moving out of our feelings. Seeing your marriage decline but still speaking its abundance may feel strange. But remember that we serve a God that can do all things and your marriage is important to you do it's important to Him.
Let me encourage you; your words are so very important because it shows what's in your heart. That's why when you spend a lot of time being negative, you begin to feel bad. Because you have the power to change the atmosphere around you. So that list of phrases that we decided to take out of our vocabulary and thoughts earlier, replace them with positive ones.
*Things are getting so much better.
*I'm so happy.
*My marriage is great!
*My husband is amazing!

It may not change all at once, but you just start speaking according to your faith, and you will have what you say.

Mark 11:24
"Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them."  (NKJV)

Above and Beyond

I have a problem. I usually have a problem taking responsibility for my own issues, but I'll take this one for the team. I will admit that I have the tendency to, depending on the person, only do what is asked of me and no more. I mean, I complete every task that comes my way to the best of my abilities, but I do that and no more. Especially when it comes to my husband.
If he asks me a question, I give the most condensed version of the answer that I have. Not because I'm trying to be short with him, but because I feel as though some things I don't need to give an explanation for. After all, he doesn't explain himself to me. 
If I'm out and he wants me to bring him something home, I get the cheapest most simple version of whatever it is that he needs. After all, he doesn't get the things that I ask him to bring me, the way I ask him to bring them.
Even when it comes to sex. I'm a little ashamed to say, I give as much effort into pleasing him as he does into pleasing me. I could do a little more for him, but I feel as though he doesn't give that much effort into pleasing me. Why should I break a sweat if he doesn't.
Do you see a pattern here?
Almost everything that I do for my husband is based on how I FEEL about him or the things that he's doing at the time. I only put as much thought or action into doing things for him as I think is necessary as a result of what I feel like he is doing. That's only fair, right? Why should I give above and beyond for him if I feel like he's not doing the same for me? Its only right that I give out what I'm given, right?
Wrong again...

Matthew 5:40-41
^" And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles." (NIV)

The things that we do for our spouses should not be based on our feelings or what we feel is best, but it should be done the best way that we can do them because that's just how it is.
I know that if you read the whole section of the Bible where this verse is found, you will see that it is a teaching on how to treat your enemies. Now, I know that your husband isn't your enemy, just like my husband isn't supposed to be mine, however, it doesn't always feel that way. Being the head of a household isn't easy, and it is indeed a thankless job. Your husband may seem to be a dictator at times; always pointing out what you do wrong and never telling you what you do right. Never a pat on the back. Even dogs get patted on the head for a job well done every now and then. But you seem to work and work and never get anything right.
Dictators are a pain in the butt.
Thank God your husband isn't a dictator. He's on your side, even when it seems like he's not. He works hard to make sure that you and your home have the best, or at least, the necessary until the best comes along. HE is there for protection, even though nothing dangerous ever seems to come along. He is who God holds responsible for the state of your marriage and your home. Who thanks him?  
Well, that's were you come in Miss Lady.
Yes, you are in the direct line of attack when your husband has things on his mind and his shoulders. When he has a bad day, he may just take it out on you, directly and indirectly. When the money is short and he is the one that carries the weight of the world feels like its on his shoulders, you're the one that gets the silent treatment. But its because of all those things that he deserves the best. 
We as wives can't always base our reactions to our husbands our feelings. Feelings aren't substantial or stable. Feelings come and go. Anger, fear, happiness, rage... These reactions are all based on how we feel. But when just like the passage says, when someone tries to take your shirt, give them the coat too.

My husband always tells me that he would rather have me not do something for him, than do it for him with an attitude. "Do it like you love me", he says. We have to show these men the love of God, and its unconditional. That's how we should treat our husbands. He may be responsible to God for us, but we're responsible to God for them. 
So when he asks for a soda, give him a cold one with a glass and some ice instead of just a room temperature can. When he asks you to make him dinner, make his favorite meal. And when he needs a little sexual attention, give it to him a with a little extra umph. He'll notice and so will God. 
The higher you go for your marriage now, the easier it will be to coast when you need to in the future. 
Above and beyond ladies. Above and beyond.

What About Your Friends???

Let me go on record in saying I have the best friends in the world. Really. There are no other friends like the ones I've got. I don't say that often, so I hope they are reading this *wink wink*

I know some people that are not so fortunate. I have heard stories about maids of honor trying to sleep with the groom before the wedding, about friends that call their "besties" husband a dog and a cheater. Friends that call their married friends fools for getting married, friends that actually do sleep with their friends husbands and friends that try to sleep with their friends. I've heard about wives who have friends that encourage them to stay out all night and cheat. I've heard it all.

And these are friends?
Who needs enemies then?

Before I got married, all of the few friends that I had were single in the, not married sense of the word. They had boyfriends, but they weren't married. In addition to that, not all of them were happy that I was getting married wither. Sure, I didn't have friends that were trying to sleep with my husband or me for that matter. Thank God. But I did have those that I considered to be in my circle were extremely concerned that my husband would lose interest in me and that all men cheated, including mine. For a while, I actually allowed those voices to absorb my brain and affect my thinking. I began to doubt the love that I had for my hubby, and in turn, begin to lose faith in my judgment. 
 That's when I decided to pray and ask the Lord what it is that was best for my life and what He wanted me to do. And I came across this scripture that I heard my Bishop quote on more than one occasion:

 

Proverbs 18:24a
"One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin..."
(NIV)

Do you have unreliable friends? Let's take a second to think about it. 
~Do your friends speak well of your husband and marriage in general?
~When you need to talk, do your friends listen objectively?
~Do your friends encourage you to remain strong and faithful in your marriage?
~Do your friends speak well of you?

If the answers to all of these questions, or any of these questions is no, you may need to reevaluate your circle. 

Let's face it; everyone's husband is not their best friend. I would like to say otherwise, but my husband isn't mine. At least, not yet. And even if he was, no one will understand some of the things that you go through like another woman or a best friends. I have no idea where I would be in my life without mine. She's amazing. She encourages, speaks, listens and sometimes she doesn't listen. She'll tell me to go and talk to my husband. These are the type of friends that you need in your corner. And God is the other half of this verse; the friend that "sticks closer than any brother." (v. 24b) He understands your situation and knows what to do to fix it, or not fix it. After all, He created your husband and He created you. So He knows better than anyone. 
However, there is nothing like a good BFF. I know I wouldn't trade mine for anything in the world. If you have friends and they aren't unreliable, they encourage you in your marriage and in God, they respect your husband and your marriage and they love you unconditionally, hold on to them and cherish them. Most likely you'll never find another them. 

So what about your friends???

Super Problem-Solver Dude

When people ask me to describe my husband, the only thing that I can think of is that he is a man's man. He goes to work and takes care of his home. He's tall dark and handsome. He hardly ever shows emotion. Period. If you don;t know him, then there's not much more to him. He's the kind of guy that you think of when you hear the term "man's man".
My husband doesn't deal too much in feelings. I've seen him cry around 5 or 6 times and I've known him for almost 11 years. I heard he cried at our wedding, but it was when I first started walking down the aisle. He didn't want me to see it. Sucker.
We laugh a lot and discuss a lot, but when it comes to emotions, he checks out of the conversation. That isn't just with me; its with everyone. He can't handle the touchy-feely talk. tears make him nervous and all out crying? Well, it causes him to shut down. Literally. I think if he could disappear when women start to cry, he would. Especially if that woman is me.
I don't think its because he doesn't care. Actually, I do believe that it is the exact opposite. He's a problem solver and if I cry, then he sees that as him not doing a good job as my husband.

Ephesians 5:23
"For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church."(NLT)

Some men are natural problem-solvers. They don't understand talking for the fun of it. They can't always comprehend discussing feelings. If you present them with an issue, they want to solve it without having a lot of extra conversation. That is the natural leader within them. The Bible says that a husband is the head of the house. That's a leadership position. Leaders make decisions and solve issues. They delegate. They manage. They discuss. They oversee. They talk with the express purpose of making whatever the problem is better.
I think we as wives have a difficult time seeing past our emotions. That's okay. We are the more nurturing half of the relationship. We listen when our husbands rant and rub their backs when they have bad days. We show outward expressions of love. We're emotional. Ladies, we are different. We are not men and our men are not women (Thank God!). If that were the case, we wouldn't have such a difficult time understanding them; we could just think like us! God made us His way, and we are different for a reason. If you want to understand your husband better, ask the one that created him!
Anyhoo, your man cares about you so much that when you bring an issue to him that is bothering you,  whether it be about your marriage or not, he wants to help you solve it. Its his natural reaction. He's a born leader, When you start to talk about your son needing clothes because he grew out of all of them, he's silently figuring out a way to juggle the bills and make room for a sudden expense. When you're talking about some loud-mouth coworker in the cubicle next to you that always gives your grief about absolutely nothing, he's trying to figure out what he can tell you to do about it. And even if he doesn't give you an immediate response, believe me, he's working on it. His wheels are turning overtime because he wants to help. He needs to. That's the kind of man God designed him to be just for you.

So the next time you get frustrated because you have an issue and you just want your husband to listen, don't get mad and shut down. Tell him you need to talk, but you just want him to listen. Then, talk. He'll listen. He's still going to try to figure out how to fix it, but he won't interrupt. As a matter of fact, he might just love the fact that you trust him enough to talk to him about it. And when you're done, thank him for listening. He'll appreciate that one too...