You Only Have Forever...

The divorce rate in the United States of America is astounding. I read somewhere that the rate for divorce is 45%, which means for every 4 marriages, one ends in divorce. That doesn't even count the marriages that are legally separated or the ones where one spouse just left. That also doesn't count the number of marriages where the couple is together in address only; they live together in theory but their lives are totally separate. This statistic only shows evidence of the number of marriages where a judge has granted a marriage covenant to legally come to an end.
*sigh*
I think what people fail to understand is that marriage is a covenant; a usually formal, solemn, and binding agreement.... To promise. The word "covenant" is both a noun and a verb. So not only is it a thing, it's also an action.

Mark 10:9
"...let no one split apart what God has joined together.” ( NLT)

I've heard this scripture in weddings for as long as I can remember. I don't know about you, but when I heard t before, I always thought about outside influences. Never cheat or let anyone else get into your marriage business. but I never even thought about the fact that I can less up my stuff just as much if not more than other people can.

Matthew 5:33, 34
“You have also heard that our ancestors were told, ‘You must not break your vows; you must carry out the vows you make to the LORD.’ But I say, do not make any vows! Do not say, ‘By heaven!’ because heaven is God’s throne. ( NLT)

I think that blaming problems on others is a natural human response. No matter what part we play in the problem, it's just easier to deflect. But the thing about it is, we are responsible for what part we played and how well or not so well we play it.
When we got married, we didn't just make vows to our husbands; we made vows to ourselves and vows to God. We promised the Lord that we would do everything we can, through sickness and health, for richer or poorer, til death we do part.

Unless you plan on dying soon (and I pray you don't) you have a long life to live between now and death.

I think the reason that divorce rates are so high is because marriage has become a pastime and not a lifetime commitment. We no longer take the vows that we speak out of our very own mouths seriously. We have television shows that are full of ex-wives and adultery, making those lives look glamorous and dramatic when the behind-the-scenes pain is concealed by bright lights, makeup and end-scenes. We no longer want to deal with what's real. We think, hey, I'd its not working, move on to the next one.
 
That's not the right way, ladies.
 
Covenants in the bible were lifelong promises made between God and His people. They made a commitment to him. So did you. You promised you would try as hard as you can for as long as you can to make your marriage the best it can be. You may not be able to control your husband's contribution to your marriage, but you can control yours. No matter what your husband does, unless he's being abusive, you are his wife. You are the one that God created especially for him to hold him up and encourage him. Just because that job gets rough doesn't mean you're supposed to quit; it means that you are supposed to endure until the end. You work to constantly reinvent your relationship with your husband. There are so many different angles to get to what your marriage is. Sometimes you may need to fall back and regroup. Sometimes you may need to come at it strong and fight. And at all times you need to pray and seek God for what to do in your marriage. 
Its your marriage too. If you don't work on it, even if you are the only one doing it, who else will? 

If you are not married, I encourage you to wait until you are ready to dedicate your life to someone. Its no small task. Marriage isn't something that you can go into with the mindset of failure. You can't go into it planning for a separation or divorce. Keep forever on your mind and work toward it. 
And if you are married, remember that you have made the choice to be with someone for the duration. Its up to you to make the best of it. It is your life too.
 
You have a lifetime to become the best friend, helpmeet and lover that you can be. Sure there will be mountains and valleys, but with your husband and God you can accomplish anything.
You can trip, fall, give up, come back, argue, fight, scream and cry...
Just give it all you can.

You only have forever.

Be Nice...

Ever since I started writing, I've been stuck in marriage observation mode. I've been observing the marriage process from all angles: the dating, the engaged, the recently married, the moderately married and the long-time married. My parents have been married for 37 years this past June. Now, that's 37 years of marriage with no separation whatsoever. Sure, my dad has taken trips with the men of the church and his brothers, and my mom has gone on girls weekends with her friends and me, but for the most part, I can never think of a time when they have never gotten along. I find it hard to fathom being with any one person for that long.  
I took the time to observe so many marriages, I almost forgot that I had to step back and observe mine as well. I noticed that a lot of the "heated love spats" that we had were escalated to all out brawls because I didn't do my part to diffuse any of the situations. I felt that it was my responsibility to have a reply for every statement that came out of his mouth. It may not have always been a sarcastic comment or a sassy remark. It may have been something as simple as an "Oh yeah?" or an "Mmhmm". To the untrained eye, it might seem as though I were being submissive and in agreement with everything that my dear husband was saying. 

However...
That was not the case.

The "oh yeah"s were code for "You must be crazy!" and the "mmhmm"s were code for "Man, please". On the outside I was silent and nodding. Most times. But please believe that my insides would be boiling hot. I know that my face may have appeared red on many occasions because my body temperature and blood pressure were going to top off. I am a person that can handle immense amounts of criticism with the greatest of ease. After all, if you couldn't take a little criticism, how can you improve in any area? So no, CONSTRUCTIVE criticism isn't the issue. My husband, wonderful though he may be, has a habit of beating a dead horse to death. On and on and on and on this man goes. Sometimes I sit and wonder where he gets all the energy from. And just when I think that he's done, it goes on again.
So my silent facial expressions become quiet side comments which turn into all out defiance. When the smoke finally cleared, I sometimes feel justified in the banter that went on in our discussions, but most times I felt sick to my stomach. I knew I had no business talking to my husband like that, but I failed the test again. What was I to do? Just sit there and let him berate me like that? I did what was a natural, human response and defended myself. I have rights you know. I am too an adult. So what if I was yelling and slamming doors and let out a few curse words. He was doing it. Right???


Wrong again... *sigh*

 Proverbs 15:1, 2, 4
"A gentle answer deflects anger,
but harsh words make tempers flare. The tongue of the wise makes knowledge appealing,
but the mouth of a fool belches out foolishness. Gentle words are a tree of life;
a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit." (NLT)

Believe it or not, our husbands are waiting on us. Oh sure, he may be a manly man. independent, hard-working and ambitious. However, he is waiting on you to proceed before he does. Even if your husband never says it, he's afraid of being hurt. He's afraid that his heart will be broken and that his family will be taken from him. He's afraid that he won't do this marriage thing right and that he will do something wrong that will hurt you so bad that you'll leave and never forgive him. He is. I guarantee. So he's waiting on you to show him how invested in him you are before he lays his heart out for you. 
A lot of times when we are in the receiving position of criticism from our husbands, we jump to the defensive. An automatic response would be, if we are hurt, we should hurt back. So we proceed to let foolishness proceed out of our mouths. I know for me its not always intentional. I can sit and listen to my husband talk, but after he has been beating that dead horse to its second death for too long, my attitude has been know to get reckless, and so do my words. I can set in my mind that I won't say anything at all, but soon I lose my cool, and wind up having to repent to God, and apologize to my husband. 
Your reactions to him in certain situations are crucial to how and if your relationship progresses.Will you be respectful and kind, diffusing the argument? Or will you fire right back at him when you're feeling. heat coming your way? 
Let me encourage you to try to let kind words flow freely so your marriage. When you and your husband are having a heated discussion, make a comment like "Baby, you are so sexy when you get angry' or "I love it when you take charge". It will catch him so off guard that the entire argument may just dissolve. Your husband may be the head, but you as the wife set the tone. I'm not telling you that you should never have any input in your marriage or give your opinion on the major life choices you all face. Of course you do? But your mood sets the mood of the home. Is it going to be tense or relaxed? Peaceful or stressful? 
Choose love and go forward. Remember, even though you are two different people and may have two different opinions, you are both member of the same team.


So be nice:) Your marriage may just depend on it.

Make the Dream Work!!!!

 Ecclesiastes 4:12
"A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken." (NLT)


I decided to start off this post with the Word so you can see just how important it is for you marriage.

People get married for a lot of different reasons. They are tired of being alone, they fell in love, they feel like its something you should do at a certain point in their lives, they want to have children, they want to break on their taxes... Don't act like it has never happened! I remember before my brother fell in love and got married, he would say "Marriage is a business arrangement." I thought this was not only funny, but totally absurd. Business arrangement?!? I knew that when I got married, it would be totally and completely for love. Not money, not loneliness... None of that. And that's what I did. I got married for love.
Once I had been married for a while, I realized that my brother was not totally wrong in his evaluation about marriage. 
Don't get me wrong. I still believe that people should be in love when they get married. I believe that they should be totally in love with God, totally in love with themselves, and love their spouses. I believe that true love will be a reigning factor in any relationship, because what you do for someone depends on your level of love, respect and dedication to God and their loved ones.
However I do also believe that marriage is all business. 
You and your husband should have goals for your marriage. Yes, goals for your careers and finances, your homes and your children. But you should also have goals for your marriage itself. Everything that has life must grow. Look at nature. Plants, animals, children... Every living thing grows because of the life that has God has put into it. So with nature, so with your marriage. It is a living thing, and it needs to be fed and nurtured so that it may grow and prosper as well.We should set goals for our marriages so that we can know what direction it will go. We will know what we are working for.
You and your husband are building and you should be building together, on the same foundation. You are building a life together, you're building trust, you're building a family. A legacy. You want your children to have the best, and you and your husband deserve the best. You want to be blessed so you can be blessing to others. That will take teamwork.
Working together is a necessary part of marriage. Whether one spouse works, or both work, working together to make your family what God has preordained you all to be take work, togetherness, patience. 


When you got married you weren't a single person anymore. You became a part of something. A unit. A couple. A family. Ecclesiastes 5:12 says that one person alone can be defeated. But you aren't alone anymore. You have a big, strong, manly man whose desire is to take care of you and see you as happy as he can. And if he's big and strong, then together you are stronger and the two of you together with God are more than conquerors (Romans 8:31,37).
You must remember that, no matter how much you argue, fuss and fight, you are on the same side. You are working together to achieve and exceed all the goals that you set.

You're a team.


And since team work is what it will take to make your marriage's dreams work...


Then work together and make the dream work!!!

I Love Me :)

The past few years have been extremely difficult for me. I've gotten married, had 4 babies, lost a job and a car, moved three times... 
Things have just seemed like a never ending roller coaster. Up and down and up and down.

It seems like the cards weren't really being dealt in my favor at all.
And things before that weren't so hot for me either.

I've never really felt all that great about myself. My self-esteem has been in the pits for as long as I can remember. I've never been thin. Actually I've always been overweight, even as a child. I'm not exceptionally attractive, at least I didn't think so. I'm intelligent, but not exceedingly. I have a large vocabulary and I read constantly. I'm generally lazy. I hate laundry, and washing dishes, cleaning bathtubs and toilets. I have an almost nonexistent sense of style, although I have received quite a few compliments on how pretty my hair is... When I comb it, that is.
I tend to blend into the background. I don't like to stand out or bring attention to myself. I've always had an underlying fear that people are laughing at me, if not out loud behind my back then most definitely internally while standing in my vision. Even at church as my Pastor's assistant, people usually forget that I'm standing there, so I started referring to myself as "atmosphere". I'm here but I'm really not. 

This may seem like an odd post for a marriage blog, but I promise I'll get to the point.


The past few months it seems like my hard time had gotten worse. There have been numerous people in my life that tell me that I'm wonderful and amazing and smart and destined for greatness. People that I have great respect for have spoken into my life to tell me what I will be, but the only thing that I could think of was that I am the exact opposite of great. 


I'm ordinary. 
Or, at least, I was.


I prayed and ask God to help me see myself the way He sees me. Not the complete mess that I saw when I looked in the mirror everyday. I wanted to see what He sees when He looks at me, and what the other men and women of God saw when they looked at me. I was at a loss and I needed help.

And boy did I get it. 

Jeremiah 1:4, 5 
 "The LORD gave me this message:
  'I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb.
Before you were born I set you apart
and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.'" (NLT)

Psalm 139:13 
 "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb." (NLT)

Being a wife means that you have your arms, legs and hair follicles pulled in different directions. Your brain is everywhere thinking about everything and everyone in your life. You're a wife, yes. However, you could be a mother, a daughter, an employee, a sister, a best friend, a minister and you ALL AT THE SAME TIME. That can cause so many mental meltdowns and emotional breakdowns that sometimes you need to just stop.

God created you just the way you are. Everything about you was specifically designed by Him for you. Your smile, your voice, your talents, your abilities, your weaknesses and your strengths. He chose them and gifted them to you. Isn't that great? The God that gave the stars their names and takes care to feed the birds of the air took the time to design every aspect of who you are. Before I was even born, before He created the land and sea, He knew what He wanted me to look like and sound like and smell like. Maybe its just me, but that alone makes me love myself even more and be more grateful to the God that I serve that He thought that much of me to  create the me that I am.

So, no matter how many hard times that I have and how bad that I used to feel about myself, I know that God loves me sooo much. I'll be the best wife I can be because that's who I was made by my Father to be. I can go on and get through the next sunrise and sunset because He created me to be who I am. If I lose those extra pounds, its good. If I don't, that's good too.  But its okay to love me. 

And I do love me :)

I Trust You... God

Have I ever mentioned that I love my husband? If I haven't (or even if I have), let me just say that I love my husband. He's a wonderful man. Hard-working, saved, sanctified and filled with the Holy Ghost, smart, handsome and all that great stuff. Amazing man. Really. Couldn't find another one like him even if I wanted to. Total package, that man of mine.
And even though he is amazing and awesome, no matter how great he is, he's still a flesh and blood human being. He's man. And men make mistakes.
He's done so many wonderful things, and he's done so many things wonderfully wrong. But who hasn't? I've made just as many mistakes as he has, if not more. We are both people and since people are of God, but not God, we aren't perfect.
Let me just stop beating around the bush. There are so many times in marriage when we have been disappointed and also been a disappointment. It happens. Finances, infidelity, careers, children and personal individuality... Mistakes all over the place on both sides and I don't need details. But I know it happens.  However, since you are still reading my blogs (thank you, by the way) that either means that you stayed with him or you are still thinking about the situations. No matter what your state of affairs, let this be my advice to you today:
Trust God.
It seems simple enough. We tend to make it a lot harder than it needs to be, most times.

Psalm 9:10
"Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O LORD, do not abandon those who search for you."
(NLT)
Numbers 23:19
God is not a man, so he does not lie.
He is not human, so he does not change his mind.
Has he ever spoken and failed to act?
Has he ever promised and not carried it through?
(NLT)

Our Heavenly Father will never lead us down the wrong path. He always has had our best interest in mind and he always will. We have made a habit of treating God like we treat everyone else. Have you noticed that the outcome to every one of those situations has been pretty much the same? That's because God isn't a natural man, so He shouldn't be placed in the same category that we place any person, our husbands included.
I know that people have told you that your marriage is between you and your husband. Not true. God is most definitely in on it, whether you have invited Him in as a managing partner or not. He cares about everything to the most minute detail and He wants to have input. What concerns you, concerns the Father.
Your husband is under the head of house your household and that does deserve much respect. I guess I can correctly assume that you trust him, to some degree, or you wouldn't have married him. Even if he has done something foolish to make you rescind that trust even the smallest bit, you have the right to make the decision on whether you should stay with him or not. Look past the hurt. Look past the disrespect. Look past the infidelity. Look past the immaturity.
Let me give you one more verse to ponder while you're trying to do all of this looking past:
This is what the LORD says:
“Cursed are those who put their trust in mere humans,
who rely on human strength
and turn their hearts away from the LORD. They are like stunted shrubs in the desert,
with no hope for the future.
They will live in the barren wilderness,
in an uninhabited salty land. “But blessed are those who trust in the LORD
and have made the LORD their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank,
with roots that reach deep into the water.
Such trees are not bothered by the heat
or worried by long months of drought.
Their leaves stay green,
and they never stop producing fruit. (Jeremiah 17:5-8 NLT)

Look at that! Do you need that type of drama in your life? Maybe you already see it and you desperately want it to change.

Then you need to desperately seek God.
If you only have trust in your husband in this or any situation, you're going to fail, because you weren't designed to trust in the creation; you were designed to trust in the Creator. I can't set my marriage up to fail if I haven't yet given it a chance to succeed. It will take time and it will be hard, but things will get better if you keep your eyes on Him and not him.
So while you're on your knees crying to God about how wrong his son (your husband) did you this time, lift your hands in worship and just say...
I trust you... God.

Okay, So I'm a Cake...

Have you ever heard your husband or any man talk about how complex women are? While I don't totally disagree, I don't totally agree either. As a woman, from my perspective, men are equally if not more complex. At least most women are more open with it and willing to talk about there complexities. With husbands, or maybe it's just mine, it's a guessing game. I have to discern his many different moods, analyze his one-line answers and evaluate his facial expressions.
Hhmm, maybe I should take a class in non-verbal communication.
Anyway, back to us wives.
If I listened to my husband's diagnosis of my looming multiple personality disorder, I would consider myself an onion. You've heard people compare women to onions, right? Well I have. Onions make you cry when you cut them, have many layers, and they add a totally unique flavor to whatever they are included in. They can have a strong first impression and leave a smell that seems to never go away. Onions can be a necessary addition to any meal, but the dishes can also be just fine without.
But I don't like onions all that much, unless they are in the ringed, deep-fried form, and those are addictive for me, so I'm no onion.
I would prefer to consider myself a cake.
Cakes are waaaaay better than onions.
Cakes are great because, like onions, they have layers, but they don't make people cry when they are cut. Cakes come in all sizes and flavors. They can have a couple of layers or as many as the designer desires.  The layers of a cake are sweet and firm and the frosting layers are smooth and creamy. Cakes come in so many different varieties and are a tasty addition to any form of festivity from small to gigantic. They can be complex or simple, but are tasty just the same. They emit a pleasant aroma from the time they are being prepared, while they are baking and leave a mouth-watering scent in the air that lasts for hours. There have even been cake-scented candles, air fresheners and lotions! 
The outer decorations of a cake can be pretty and well decorated, with different textures of frosting and fondant, sometimes even diamonds and gold, but the outside is in no way as important as the flavors of the inside. And when you cut them, the experience only gets better. Everyone enjoys a nice slice of cake from time to time.
Okay, so I'm a cake.
And the in my eyes, according to the word of God and my description, He thinks I'm a little cake-like too.

Proverbs 31:10-12 (NLT)
"Who can find a virtuous and capable wife?
She is more precious than rubies. Her husband can trust her,
and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life."

As a wife, we are so many things. We are called to be serious and carefree, beautiful and hardworking, loving and stern. We are called to be many different thing at once. Wives are amazing people, virtuous women.  I encourage you to read the entire chapter, just so you can see exactly how wonderful God thinks you are as a woman and a wife. You are beautiful both inside and out. If you weren't, your husband wouldn't have chosen you to be his bride. There are many different facets to your personality, but they are all unique because you were designed by the Creator Himself. He built you for this task and there is no one in the world that can be a better wife to your husband than you are. When your husband takes the time to get to know you and understand you, he'll realize that there is more to you than the nicely decorated outside; the inside is even better.
So we can be complex, we may be difficult, and sometimes we might even seem a little bit crazy.
But just like a cake, we're necessary for this party :)

My Super Invisibility Cloak

I am a fan of all types of books and a few years ago I took the time to read the entire Harry Potter series. I don't remember too much about the books in general, but I do remember that he was given an invisibility cloak that belonged to his father. This concept was one thing that stuck out and, while I was thinking about what to talk with you all about, I thought about that. My mind makes connections in odd ways sometimes, but it always gets the job done. With that being said, sometimes I feel as though I have been blessed, and cursed, with an invisibility cloak.

Allow me to explain.

My husband is an extremely hardworking person. I call him a hustler. He gets up faithfully 6 days a week and works 10 hours a day. Most days, after work, he goes and does extra work until late at night. When he is not working, he is seeing about his family or working security at our home church. And when he isn't doing any of those things, he's usually out with his friends. And when he isn't doing any of those things, he's asleep.
Did you notice that there was something missing in my list of his activities?
Yeah I did too...

This is where my invisibility cloak comes in.

While he goes through his many daily and weekly activities, I am usually waiting on the sidelines, cheering him on, but still waiting to be noticed. He has so many ambitions and so many goals that he has set for himself that he is extremely focused on getting where he wants to be so we can all be well taken care of. My husband is an awesome provider, but sometimes that where his mind is.... CONSTANTLY. He doesn't have a multi-tasking bone in his body. If I didn't trust him and know with all my heart that he loves me, I would be an extremely insecure woman.

Seriously, the only rational explanation for overlooking a fine, female specimen such as myself is that I must be wearing an invisibility cloak... Right???

 I would do everything in my power to get my husband's attention: his favorite dinners, movie nights, sexy outfits... Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. Sometimes he spent time with me, but I felt as though it wasn't enough. Sometimes I would go weeks with no time at all. I went through emotions that ranged from frustration to anger to rage to fear to sadness. It wasn't that I was totally right for feeling the way that I felt, or that my husband was totally right for focusing on provision and neglecting our time together. The issue was that we were both creating an environment for an unhealthy trend to begin in our relationship.

Romans 8:28
"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. 
1 Peter 5:7

"Casting all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you."

While praying about this situation over and over and over, these scriptures really help settle my spirit and put my mind at ease. They may seem extremely general and applicable to other situations, but they really helped me. 

Firstly, I realized that because this area of my marriage was disturbing me, I knew that God cared about it as well. He cares about everything that we care about. Even the scripture that refers to God caring about the birds of the air and what they eat, He cares even more about us because we are made in His image. We are His children. 

Also, because I loved God and do everything that I can to serve Him, I can be confident that everything will work out; In His time and in His will. Its up to me to pray about it, do my part in not making things worse, and wait for Him to come through. There are so many times in our marriages that we, as the support system and the keeper of the households, try to solve things. We see problems and instead of bothering others with them, that we fix them ourselves. But God is in everything and cares about everything. 

EVERYTHING.

Not just what we feel like is important enough to pray about. 

If you are having problems with your husband, take the time to talk to him, not fuss and nag, and let him know how you feel. But also pray about it and ask the Lord to open your husband's heart, but also do things to improve the situation rather than hinder any progress that can be made.

So for now, I might still have on my invisibility cloak from time to time where my husband is concerned. But I know that I am not invisible to my God.

You're important to Him too...