Be Nice...

Ever since I started writing, I've been stuck in marriage observation mode. I've been observing the marriage process from all angles: the dating, the engaged, the recently married, the moderately married and the long-time married. My parents have been married for 37 years this past June. Now, that's 37 years of marriage with no separation whatsoever. Sure, my dad has taken trips with the men of the church and his brothers, and my mom has gone on girls weekends with her friends and me, but for the most part, I can never think of a time when they have never gotten along. I find it hard to fathom being with any one person for that long.  
I took the time to observe so many marriages, I almost forgot that I had to step back and observe mine as well. I noticed that a lot of the "heated love spats" that we had were escalated to all out brawls because I didn't do my part to diffuse any of the situations. I felt that it was my responsibility to have a reply for every statement that came out of his mouth. It may not have always been a sarcastic comment or a sassy remark. It may have been something as simple as an "Oh yeah?" or an "Mmhmm". To the untrained eye, it might seem as though I were being submissive and in agreement with everything that my dear husband was saying. 

However...
That was not the case.

The "oh yeah"s were code for "You must be crazy!" and the "mmhmm"s were code for "Man, please". On the outside I was silent and nodding. Most times. But please believe that my insides would be boiling hot. I know that my face may have appeared red on many occasions because my body temperature and blood pressure were going to top off. I am a person that can handle immense amounts of criticism with the greatest of ease. After all, if you couldn't take a little criticism, how can you improve in any area? So no, CONSTRUCTIVE criticism isn't the issue. My husband, wonderful though he may be, has a habit of beating a dead horse to death. On and on and on and on this man goes. Sometimes I sit and wonder where he gets all the energy from. And just when I think that he's done, it goes on again.
So my silent facial expressions become quiet side comments which turn into all out defiance. When the smoke finally cleared, I sometimes feel justified in the banter that went on in our discussions, but most times I felt sick to my stomach. I knew I had no business talking to my husband like that, but I failed the test again. What was I to do? Just sit there and let him berate me like that? I did what was a natural, human response and defended myself. I have rights you know. I am too an adult. So what if I was yelling and slamming doors and let out a few curse words. He was doing it. Right???


Wrong again... *sigh*

 Proverbs 15:1, 2, 4
"A gentle answer deflects anger,
but harsh words make tempers flare. The tongue of the wise makes knowledge appealing,
but the mouth of a fool belches out foolishness. Gentle words are a tree of life;
a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit." (NLT)

Believe it or not, our husbands are waiting on us. Oh sure, he may be a manly man. independent, hard-working and ambitious. However, he is waiting on you to proceed before he does. Even if your husband never says it, he's afraid of being hurt. He's afraid that his heart will be broken and that his family will be taken from him. He's afraid that he won't do this marriage thing right and that he will do something wrong that will hurt you so bad that you'll leave and never forgive him. He is. I guarantee. So he's waiting on you to show him how invested in him you are before he lays his heart out for you. 
A lot of times when we are in the receiving position of criticism from our husbands, we jump to the defensive. An automatic response would be, if we are hurt, we should hurt back. So we proceed to let foolishness proceed out of our mouths. I know for me its not always intentional. I can sit and listen to my husband talk, but after he has been beating that dead horse to its second death for too long, my attitude has been know to get reckless, and so do my words. I can set in my mind that I won't say anything at all, but soon I lose my cool, and wind up having to repent to God, and apologize to my husband. 
Your reactions to him in certain situations are crucial to how and if your relationship progresses.Will you be respectful and kind, diffusing the argument? Or will you fire right back at him when you're feeling. heat coming your way? 
Let me encourage you to try to let kind words flow freely so your marriage. When you and your husband are having a heated discussion, make a comment like "Baby, you are so sexy when you get angry' or "I love it when you take charge". It will catch him so off guard that the entire argument may just dissolve. Your husband may be the head, but you as the wife set the tone. I'm not telling you that you should never have any input in your marriage or give your opinion on the major life choices you all face. Of course you do? But your mood sets the mood of the home. Is it going to be tense or relaxed? Peaceful or stressful? 
Choose love and go forward. Remember, even though you are two different people and may have two different opinions, you are both member of the same team.


So be nice:) Your marriage may just depend on it.