I Love Me :)

The past few years have been extremely difficult for me. I've gotten married, had 4 babies, lost a job and a car, moved three times... 
Things have just seemed like a never ending roller coaster. Up and down and up and down.

It seems like the cards weren't really being dealt in my favor at all.
And things before that weren't so hot for me either.

I've never really felt all that great about myself. My self-esteem has been in the pits for as long as I can remember. I've never been thin. Actually I've always been overweight, even as a child. I'm not exceptionally attractive, at least I didn't think so. I'm intelligent, but not exceedingly. I have a large vocabulary and I read constantly. I'm generally lazy. I hate laundry, and washing dishes, cleaning bathtubs and toilets. I have an almost nonexistent sense of style, although I have received quite a few compliments on how pretty my hair is... When I comb it, that is.
I tend to blend into the background. I don't like to stand out or bring attention to myself. I've always had an underlying fear that people are laughing at me, if not out loud behind my back then most definitely internally while standing in my vision. Even at church as my Pastor's assistant, people usually forget that I'm standing there, so I started referring to myself as "atmosphere". I'm here but I'm really not. 

This may seem like an odd post for a marriage blog, but I promise I'll get to the point.


The past few months it seems like my hard time had gotten worse. There have been numerous people in my life that tell me that I'm wonderful and amazing and smart and destined for greatness. People that I have great respect for have spoken into my life to tell me what I will be, but the only thing that I could think of was that I am the exact opposite of great. 


I'm ordinary. 
Or, at least, I was.


I prayed and ask God to help me see myself the way He sees me. Not the complete mess that I saw when I looked in the mirror everyday. I wanted to see what He sees when He looks at me, and what the other men and women of God saw when they looked at me. I was at a loss and I needed help.

And boy did I get it. 

Jeremiah 1:4, 5 
 "The LORD gave me this message:
  'I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb.
Before you were born I set you apart
and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.'" (NLT)

Psalm 139:13 
 "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb." (NLT)

Being a wife means that you have your arms, legs and hair follicles pulled in different directions. Your brain is everywhere thinking about everything and everyone in your life. You're a wife, yes. However, you could be a mother, a daughter, an employee, a sister, a best friend, a minister and you ALL AT THE SAME TIME. That can cause so many mental meltdowns and emotional breakdowns that sometimes you need to just stop.

God created you just the way you are. Everything about you was specifically designed by Him for you. Your smile, your voice, your talents, your abilities, your weaknesses and your strengths. He chose them and gifted them to you. Isn't that great? The God that gave the stars their names and takes care to feed the birds of the air took the time to design every aspect of who you are. Before I was even born, before He created the land and sea, He knew what He wanted me to look like and sound like and smell like. Maybe its just me, but that alone makes me love myself even more and be more grateful to the God that I serve that He thought that much of me to  create the me that I am.

So, no matter how many hard times that I have and how bad that I used to feel about myself, I know that God loves me sooo much. I'll be the best wife I can be because that's who I was made by my Father to be. I can go on and get through the next sunrise and sunset because He created me to be who I am. If I lose those extra pounds, its good. If I don't, that's good too.  But its okay to love me. 

And I do love me :)