Keep Your Eyes on Your Own Marriage...

It is so easy to look around at the marriages around you and wish that you have what they have.
Maybe they have the houses and cars that you want.
Maybe they take frequent vacations.
Maybe they are very affectionate with each other.
Maybe you feel like they have everything that you want for your marriage.
It could be your best friend, a couple at your church, the guy and his wife at the mall... It could be anyone that catches your eye and causes you to compare what you see to what you do or don't have with your husband. However the problem is you're comparing your marriage to what you SEE; not what is really there.

~You see what your friend says her husband does for her; that doesn't necessarily mean its true.
~You see how well the couple in the mall treat each other; you don't see the years of abuse that they had to overcome.
~You see how in love your pastor and first lady are; you don't see how hard they pray together, as well as for each other, to be the best they can be.

"That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. "
(Genesis 2:24 NIV)

Leave and cleave doesn't just mean that you don't go I your parents for everything or that you leave the place you lived in order to move in with your husband. It also means that, once you get married, it goes from you against the world to you and your husband against the world.
It means that you and your husband's  relationship is just that... You and your husband's. Not your in-laws and your best friends and the guy standing next to you on the bus stop.
No two relationships are alike exactly the way that no two people are alike. With this concept in mind, no two marriages are going to be exactly alike. Marriages take time and effort to grow and mature. Yours is no different. What works for the couple in the mall may not work for you. What your best friend and her boo do together your husband most likely won't want to participate in.
This is where communication comes in.
You both have to find out what works for you. Spend time talking to your husband. I've learned that, no matter how long I have known my husband, there are new things that I discover about him when we spend time together. I notice things that he thinks are funny, things that he doesn't like... I discover things that make me get to know him better. Even if we are just watching a movie or going out to dinner.  I see something new that makes him smile and laugh, or some a food that he like that I didn't know about. A song that he knows all of the words to that reminds him of a funny story he has never told me before. 

He's your husband; you can never know him TOO well.

~AND~

You can't get so caught up in bills and kids and jobs that you forget that you are on each other's minds.

You plan on spending the rest of your life with this man. Don't you think you both deserve to be as happy and content as possible? I think that one mistake that I make in my marriage is thinking on too small of a scale. Its true that you have to live for today to take care of the issues of today. But marriage is a lifetime commitment. If you focus on the fact that, if we don't start getting along better or if things don't change, we can't be together, you are surely on your way to divorce court. We must constantly remind ourselves that our spouses are our life-mates. No longer dating. We're in it for the long haul. Let's make the time to make our marriages what both we and God want them to be. Let's keep our focus on what we can do about longevity and health in our marriage.

Let me encourage you to stop looking at the marriage relationships around you and spend more time building your own. You can't copy someone else dreams. You can, however, gain a dream of your own.

You Are an Overcomer!!!

I'm going to share a very personal testimony in this particular blog post.  I believe that sharing this portion of my life will be beneficial to many. Also, I have my husband's permission so.... Here we go.
Early in our marriage, my husband was abusive; both physically and mentally. I considers youth extremely sheltered. My parents never do much as argued in front of my brother and I. As a child, I can recall no altercations between my mother and father. This is the picture of marriage that I had in my mind as I grew up. My husband's background is extremely different, so his picture of marriage was altered from mine. Without going into detail, his upbringing was the absolute opposite of mine.
While this phase of our marriage was going on, I delivered 2 children within a year's time. So not only was I dealing with an abusive relationship, but I was also facing extreme postpartum depression. During this time, I refused I speak to anyone. I never answered my phone, I accepted no visitors. I withdrew from the world completely.
The breaking point in this dark time of my life was when I tried to commit suicide. My doctor prescribed medication to relieve the symptoms of the depression that was oppressing my life, however it had the exact opposite effect and made it worse. I had begun cutting myself and eventually I attempted to overdose on the medicine that I was prescribed.
During the the of my hospital recovery, I laid in the bed literally wishing that God allow me to die. Sure, I had 4 children, but my thoughts had me convinced that they would be better off without my influence in their life. I felt as though I was no good to my husband, my children, or my family in general.
 Let me just say this: The devil and his minions are real... Very real. But they are also very much liars and deceivers. They're job is to attempt to kill you, steal your stuff or destroy your life. (John 10:10)

I am a living testimony that the Power of God is greater than any devil you encounter.
Romans 8:37
  Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. (NKJV)

I am a walking, talking example that God is great and greatly to be praised. I am a model of the goodness of Jesus. I am a walking megaphone for giving glory to God. 

I am more than a conqueror.

 Need I go on?
Why am I telling you this?
Because someone needs to know that they are not alone and they can make it.
Depression is real. I'll raise my hand to that. But the power of my God more real.
You can make it through whatever you and your marriage are facing. You are stronger than depression.
You are victorious over rejection.
You greater than abuse.
You can make it.

I prayed and sought he Lord and He answered. My husband is delivered and my marriage is stronger. We are stronger.
I'm not telling you to stay in an abusive marriage. I'm not saying to overlook extreme circumstances in your own marriage. But what I can say is seek the Lord for yourself. No form of abuse is permissible; it's all wrong. However the Lord is greater than it all.
 

I want to leave a couple of other things with you:

First and foremost, no form of abuse is okay or acceptable. If you are being abused, it is up to you to take care of yourself and seek out help. Remember that it is not your fault. There is nothing wrong with you and there is nothing wrong with calling the police. My husband and I separated for a while after the abuse began, and we decided to reconcile. It never happened again. In no way, shape or form am I condoning staying in an abusive relationship.
 
Also, If you have children, be extremely aware of how you interact with your spouse in their presence. Even I'd you are having an issue, show nothing less than love, support and a united front. Your marriage is the feet example of love that they will see. It's important that it be healthy and meaningful.
And whatever happens, you can  make it.
 

Stay encouraged.

Let's Get Busy!!!

***I feel as though I should put a disclosure at the beginning of this blog post... Sex is being discussed, so respectfully, if you don't want to read it, I fully understand.***

I'm writing this entry as much for myself as I am for you. So let's just get right to it shall we???

"Bless your fresh-flowing fountain! Enjoy the wife you married as a young man! Lovely as an angel, beautiful as a rose-don't ever quit taking delight in her body. Never take her love for granted! Why would you trade enduring intimacies for cheap thrills with a whore? for dalliance with a promiscuous stranger?"

Proverbs 5:18-20 MSG
 

"But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

1 Corinthians 7:2-5 NIV

Wow... Two verses for this one. Well I just wanted to make sure that you are seeing the same thing that I am seeing. 

 You're married... It's okay to have sex. As a matter of fact, it's encouraged!
When I was growing up, there were no talks about sex in my household. No explanations, no conversations. Nothing. Everything I learned about sex I learned from my friends or heard from other people. And while every conversation was informative and entertaining, it was all done in secret. So, I grew into womanhood thinking that sex was something that was fun, but to be done in the dark to cover its wrong.
When I got married, that feeling of doing something wrong never changed. I knew it was okay and I wanted to make my husband happy, but my couldn't shake this feeling that I was doing something wrong.
 

*Marriages are under a spiritual attack. Any way that the enemy can get it he will try to fit in. This is one of the ways that he tried to sabotage mine.*

Let me add a little fuel to your smoldering flames. Intimacy helps to bring you spouse closer to you not only physically, but emotionally as well. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because making love helps to release the tensions that build in everyday life. Possibly it's because it's a type of exercise (You always feel better after a good workout ;) ).
Now that I think about it, does it really matter why it your bond with your boo gets stronger. Do you really need more reasons.
Okay...
Your husband enjoys it.
You might not think you enjoy it. Maybe you won't enjoy it.... at first. But we as wives have to change our attitudes and perspectives about our lives, marriages and husbands. That will greatly help the situation.
You got him, girl! Don't stop now!!!

Let me help you out. Forgive me for being blunt, but if you're married, then you're at least at the age of consent:
It is okay to be saved, sanctified, filled with the Holy Ghost and get freaky with your husband. IT'S OKAY!!!
God ordained sex to be in the confines of marriage. Why wouldn't He want you both to be happy and satisfied if that's how He designed it? And if most of us are honest, some of us were freaky before we got married....
Uhoh...
Anyhoo...
Sometime we women have to relax. It takes a lot to be a strong woman in these times. So often, we forget that we can take a deep breath and relax. Enjoy your husband and let him enjoy you. Sex isn't just an action; its a gateway to get closer with your man.
You got him, girl! Don't stop now!!!

Eye Candy not Eyesore...

Have you ever taken the time to fly back over the memories of your marriage, all the way to the day that you met? I do that often. This particular time, I can remember when my husband and I were dating l. How I used to take the time to get ready to see him. Or when I knew he was coming to see me, I would take the time to make sure that I looked my best.
I made sure that I scrubbed every inch of my body. I didn't want any funk lingering around whatsoever.
I made sure that my hair was done; not a one out of place.
I made sure that my lip gloss was popping, my perfume was sweet but not too much, and my outfit was matching, clean and wrinkle free.
I would stand in the mirror for a few minutes and check myself from head to toe just to make sure that I saw what he liked to see.
I made sure that I looked good; and I did.
As I'm writing this I'm smiling because its been a while since I've been fly on a regular basis for my husband. It's funny but, then again, it's not.
Six children, laundry, cleaning, errands and cooking have stolen my "fly".
Sure, when it's time to go out, I'm presentable. This fly girl is in full effect. But on a regular basis?
Um... No.
My attire has gone from cute to comfortable. Sweat pants and t-shirts, along with my trusty wrap scarf is what greets my husband when he gets home, as opposed to the hour or so of preparation that I used to take when we were dating.
I just happened to walk past the mirror one day on my way to clean the tub and caught a glimpse of myself.
Gosh...
Do I look like someone that I would want to come home to after a hard day's work?
Sure, the laundry might be done, the house might be clean and dinner might be ready. But am I the picture of sexy that I was when he used to pick me up before? Absolutely not. Can't say that I am.
What happened you ask?

I got comfortable.

The duties of mother and wife began to trump the duties of sexy temptress. Obligation and quick took over and looks we're left behind.

I started to take my husband for granted.
The things you did to get that man are the things that you have to do to keep that man.
I'm not say that you have to walk around vacuuming in your freakum dress and stilettos. I'm not saying to scrub the toilet with a fully made up face. But you have to consider what you would want to see if you came home from work and saw you EVERY NIGHT...
Excuse me, but yuck.

Let's look to the Word, shall we?

"The wise woman builds her house,
but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down." (Proverbs 14:1 NIV)

So the question is, are we trying to be wise women or fools?
Let's look again...

"...and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband." (1 Corinthians 7:34 NIV)

Our husbands are a part of our households, and as wise women, we build them up. How you may ask? By pleasing him.
Not only by ironing his pants and sexing him up (lol), but also by thinking about what he may like.
No we can't change diapers and fry chicken in lingerie... At least, I would advise against it. But sometimes we can spiff ourselves up a little bit..
Now you might be thinking, "But he takes me for granted all the time! He never helps me with the kids and he never cleans. He barely takes a shower twice a week! Why should  I do it if he doesn't???"
Because you are trying to keep your marriage alive and thriving. Taking a shower and changing out of that holey t-shirt seems like a  small price to pay for a happy husband.
Jump in the shower, iron your jeans, take the rollers out of your hair, slap some lip gloss on and watch the smile on your husband's face when gets home. Remember: If you do the things you did to get that man and you'll keep that man.
Let me leave you with one last thought:
You may be the spine keeping the limbs of your family in line and the body standing tall, but make no mistake, your husband is the head. He is responsible for thinking an planning out your future. He may not contribute As much as the house needs to the actually upkeep. Or maybe he does. But you husband is truly a man with the weight of the world on his shoulders... Your world.

So don't take that man for granted. Its okay to get sexy for your husband.
Go 'head girl... Give him a little eye candy...

The "S" Word...

Not sex, sexy or sexier... Elevate your minds, ladies (plus, we'll talk about that at a later date :) )What is the one word that we always hear in marriage vows that we try to change?
SUBMIT
Did that send a chill up and down your spine? It should have. Women have hated this word, right along with her sister "obey". Truth is there is nothing to despise, dislike or be afraid of. There is nothing to hate. Our people perish for their lack of knowledge, so let's learn some things, shall we?

Bottoms line, it's not a request; it's a requirement.
Requirement she says!
Don't believe me? Okay I'll prove it...

Ephesians 5:22-23
"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as you do to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything."

It's the same in every version. You can check if you don't believe me.
I'm not telling you to do it.
Your pastor isn't telling you to do it.
Your husband isn't telling you to do it.

God says it... The end.

But... But... But...
Haven't we been through this already?

Women have taken it out of their vows, closed their eargates during premarital counseling.... My husband told me I had a problem submitting and I think I blacked out for a minute. So you are definitely not alone.
The one thing that began to stand out to me as I studied this particular s-word was the part where we submit as to God.
I don't know about anyone else, but I serve at my church home faithfully. I break my neck to be on time, I do completely all of my assignments to the best of my abilities and I', available to my pastor and bishop anytime they need me. They consider me reliable and responsible. When something needs to be done, count on Sam to be able to do it, or find someone who can.
And as I thought about it, I honestly couldn't say the same for my husband.
Ouch! Was that my own toe I just stepped on?
Anyway, in being that one that was taking the initiative to improve my marriage, I had to realize that I was not submitting to my husband as into God. I wasn't cooking his dinner every night the way he wanted. I wasn't keeping the house clean the way he asked me to. And yes, my wifely duties to pleasure my husband were slacking as well.
But he should understand, right?
I'm spending time serving the Lord, right?
We have six children, the house is as clean as it can get, right?
Nope. Wrong again.  *sigh*
Maybe I wasn't only resisting submitting to my husband... I was resisting submitting to God as well.

James 4:7
"Submit yourselves,then,to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you."

Submitting to God keeps my life in His will, where it is meant to be. It keeps you close to the Lord who will direct you as to where you were supposed to go and what you are to say. It keeps your life on track, marriage included.
Yeah, I was serving my pastor and my bishop, and being on time and completing my work, and I'm sure the Lord was pleased with that. However, there were areas in my life that I unconsciously considered off limits to God. I had to repent to my Father, forgive myself and start over.
The same went for my husband.
The Father tells is in the scripture above that we must submit to our husbands in everything. That doesn't mean that you lose your right to speech when you say "I do", but it means that you have to respectfully understand that the decisions are ultimately up to your man. The scripture also says that when we resist the devil, he will flee. The enemy has no place in your marriage when you are actively living in the will of God for your life. The more obedient you are, the closer the threefold cord of marriage will be, and there is even less of a space for the devil to try to squeeze in.
You married him, so trust him, or at least trust God through him. Just like there are rules for you, there are for your husband too.
Submit doesn't mean that I'm his slave... It means that I'm happy to serve my husband and bring glory to God. 

I'm Tired...

People take for granted the strength that it takes to be a woman.
Not to discount the strong shoulders of the manliest men; Real men have a lot on their minds and their hearts.
But no one truly understands the strength, endurance, resolve and patience that it takes to be a woman....  Even most women don't know how strong and resilient they are until they have to be. I'm not sure about you, but here is the short list of hats that I wear in my life on a daily basis:
~wife
~mother
~daughter
~student
~armor bearer
~personal assistant
~short order cook
~chauffeur
~launderette
~typist
~maid
Note that I said "short list".
If I say down to think about it, I'm sure the list would double, maybe even triple in length.
I am one that wakes before everyone else in my house and falls asleep after everyone in my house. I count myself blessed if i get three consecutive hours of sleep a night. I make sure shoes are found, clothes are ironed, braids are neat, socks match (or at least that there are two), homework is done, food is prepared, baths have been had, rooms are clean and a plethora of other duties that I do before some people roll over to press the snooze button on their alarm clocks.
And I'm tired.
I used to feel bad about feeling this way. Marriage is voluntary. I signed up for motherhood. This is the life that I chose for myself. This is that calling that God gave me.
So why is it that I feel like screaming and running away? Not all the time... Just some of the time.
You are entitled to be tired sometimes. Anything that exerts some form of energy will cause some form of fatigue. Just looking at the list above makes me tired, and that's not even everything. And here's another thing that I realized while trying to understand why I can be tired...
God got tired too...
 

"By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work."Genesis 2:2

See??? God needed a break...

Yes, He was creating the Heavens and the earth, day, night, seas, oceans and rivers, mountains and valleys, bugs, elephants, birds, fish everything else.
And no, you can't possibly understand how much energy it took for the Father to take on such a monstrous task. But the point is, you're taking care of your own world.
You are the awesome woman responsible for making sure that your family is functional and prosperous.
You are the woman that makes sure that your children are clean, happy and content. That there homework gets done and their rooms are... Well if they are anything like my children, presentable.
You are woman that makes sure that your husband takes care of business and doesn't have to worry about the upkeep of the house. You see to it that his socks are where they are, that his dinner is prepared, or that he eats at least, and that his manly desires are met... *wink wink*
You are the woman that makes sure that your job is done, whether it be inside or outside of your home. You make sure that you family is what is it: happy.
And you deserve to be tired.

So when that some of the time comes around, take time to seek the Lord to replenish you, and spend some time replenishing yourself. You give out constantly to everyone. You are equally as important.
Let no one tell you that your job as a wife and/or mother is unimportant and worthless. No one can do what you do on a daily basis; that's who God ordained you to be. So the next time you want to go out for a while just to be alone and clear your mind, or maybe stay in bed on that Saturday morning for twenty more minutes, go right ahead. Go get that pedicure, see that movie or just walk around the 24 hour Wal-Mart.
You deserve it.