I do believe that the title is pretty self-explanatory, but for the sake of blog posting, let's talk for a while, shall we?
Once again, I have a problem. Okay, maybe not a problem so much as a character flaw.
I never forget anything.
For as long as I have a conscious memory of being me, I can remember every person that has ever hurt me in any way. I may not remember names, but I can definitely remember faces and occurrences. From the boy that teased me in third grade for being chubby, to my father for his particular manner of discipline, to finally, my husband, and ever harsh word he has ever uttered in my direction.
Yes, I remember every dirty look, every unkind grunt, every missed call and every slammed door. But the thing about my remembrance is, its not for retaliation. I don't hold fast to these bad memories for self gain for to bring back out when I need leverage for something. If that were the case, I think that I would have a lot of the things that I've wanted from a lot of different people.
I hold on to them because... Well, there isn't really a good reason. I just do.
To me, I think that every past hurt has showed me just who they are: human. I also have a bad habit of holding those that I love in the highest regard. Remembering the pains shows me that they aren't God.
My mistake all this time has been unforgiveness. I thought all this time "Hey, if I still treat them the same and don't act ugly, I'll get over it and I'll be fine." Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. So I have about thirty years of bitterness in a lock box that has been built around my heart.
And it will take a lot more than a blog post to fix it.
"Don't let evil get the best of you;
get the best of evil by doing good."(The Message)
I titled this blog post the way I did because, playing dirty isn't a fight against your husband, its a fight against yourself. Being bitter didn't hurt the little boy from third grade for my father or my husband or even myself; it only hurt me. Because I wasn't forgiving or letting anything go, I glued myself to one spot in my life. Until recently, I never grew up. My body got older and I learned a few things, but I never matured.
I allowed evil to get the best of me for a long time, almost to the demise of my marriage and even my life. But God gave me the grace to see what evil had taken from me and to begin the process of restoring my heart and my mind. That's how I got the best of evil; with the good grace of God.
You see that cartoon? Lucy always played dirty and Charlie Brown never had a chance.
You can never win this way.
You can never forgive anyone with your own strength. No matter what your husband has done, you deserve to forgive him. It's not about anything that has anything to do with him. Forgiveness of your choice, and it is a choice. Unforgiveness is a fight that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. So don't fight that way. Allow God to fight this evil for you. That's good.
Don't fight dirty.
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