Keep a Cool One...

This, again, is one of those things that I have thee hardest time doing. But praise God because He's working on me.
So, let's get to it.
Have you ever noticed that, when you and your husband are having a 'heated fellowship" (argument), he says something to you that not only catches you off guard, but seems to send your blood pressure through the roof? In my home, these are the moments that dubbed me the Insane Wife.
I don't know what it is, but one minute, I can be fine and listening and understanding. The next minute, I feel as though I can see red. It is then that I am no longer me, but the anger takes over.
This isn't a good place to allow yourself to fall into.
When we listen to what our husbands are saying to us and making a conscious effort to understand it, we can have a response. Responding is good because its not out of emotion, but its logical. Logical is good when communication is concerned. Then there's reaction.
This is where it gets deep...
When we react, we aren't really listening to what is being said. We may start off listening, but, at one point or another, we hear something that arrests our comprehension skills and we repeat the phrase that was said to us over and over. It appears that we are listening, and your husband may be talking, but really, we're waiting for our turn to talk so we can set that dude straight. For some reason, that one particular phrase hurt us and caused us to go into our feelings. All you can hear is that buzzing noise that you hear when your blood pressure begins to elevate. Your face starts getting hot and your palms start sweating. Then, that moment comes when he says "You're not going to say anything?". And so it happens.
Nuclear reaction.

Ecclesiastes 5:2

"Do not be quick with your mouth,

do not be hasty in your heart

to utter anything before God....

God is in heaven 

and you are on earth,

so let your words be few." (NIV)

Respond, don't react.

The problem with reacting is, you always wind up doing something that has to be apologized for. Who wants to do that? Reacting is a natural, well, reaction. Emotions are strong and consuming. When you hear something that triggers an emotional response, it is very hard to stop that ball from rolling. Its not always easy to stay out of your feelings, but it is always beneficial, especially when dealing with your husband. 

Let's say that your hunni said that one thing that always rubs you the wrong way. You know what it is. And let's say that you make up in your mind that, no matter what, you are going to respond instead of react. You stay silent and listen, ON PURPOSE. You refuse to let your emotions overtake you and you purposely maintain your composure...

You have your husband's attention! There are no arguments to diffuse, no mess to clean up, no wounds to bandage... Nothing to apologize for. You're batting a thousand! And now, because he was able to communicate everything to you that he wanted to say, he may just be more willing to listen to what you have to say. And then, maybe communicating won't be so much of the chore that it has become. Fewer words spoken doesn't mean that you aren't being heard' it means that you are better understood.

Not only is speaking calmly and communicating well good for your marriage, but it also pleases the Lord. He's happy when strife and confusion aren't being entertained in your marriage. And you're happy when you and your husband are getting along. Responding instead of reacting can mean the difference between sleepless nights and lonely days, or happy marriage and messy divorce. It may seem extremely, but lack of communication is death to marriage.

So keep a cool one...

Make the Plan & Make it Plain...

Have you ever had to write a business plan? If you haven't its a written document of everything that your business is, does, will do and how much it will cost. You have to have an idea, a name and a plan. You have to know what you are going to do and have a plan for how you are going to do it.
The same concept applies to your marriage.
Before he got married, my brother used to tell me that a marriage is a business arrangement. I'm not sure if he believed in love or not; we never really talked about it. The one thing I do remember is, that he believed that there was no other way to looking at being married other than as a business, and was determined to conduct it as such. I'll have to make a point of asking his wife if he still feels that way.
Anyway...
When you begin any business, from a clothing store to a church ministry, it begins with an idea. From there. it progresses to a dream and, if the person has faith and works hard, the dream morphs into a plan and the plan becomes reality. You cannot just jump up one day and make everything happen. A good plan comes from good plans.  So with that being said...
Does your marriage have a vision?

Habakkuk 2:2

"Then the Lord answered me and said:

'Write the vision 

and make it plain on tablets,

that he may run who read it."(NKJV)

The Bible talks about faith being something that you believe even when you can't see it (Hebrews 11:1). 

We have to spend time talking with our husbands to talk about the direction that we see our marriages going in. Before my husband and I got married we had to take a marriage compatibility test in order to complete our premarital counseling. It was a list of questions that we answered in order to see if we were on the same page as far as how to deal with the basic issues that come up within marriage. Who would handle the finances? Who would discipline the children? Who would take care of home and vehicle maintenance? The way that we answered the questions didn't determine whether or not we would get married. They determined if my husband and I shared the same vision for our marriage.

Do you and your husband see the same things in your relationship?

Yes, the Bible maps out certain directions on what roles we play. The husband is the head, the wife is the help-meet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's not the end of the line. There are things that you and your husband must map out, from the general to the more specific. 

How may children will we have?

Will we take family vacations?
In what church will we worship?

Where do we see ourselves in 10 years? 20 years? 30 years?

You and your boo are a team for life.  You can go walking around life all willy-nilly. There are major decisions to be made! An entire lifetime's worth. With all that time on your hands, there is ample opportunity to devise a strategy to make your next days your best days. 

Pray and ask God to give you both direction and agreement on the issues. Take your time and talk about it. Iron out the details. Who will do what when and why. Think of plan Bs and Cs.Don't worry about what someone else said or does; this is you and your man. And don't just talk about what you want to accomplish. This is a collaborative effort. You and him together. Think about it as a team-building exercise. Write the vision down and revise it when necessary. This is important, because if you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

So plan....

Dress in Layers; Weather Changes Fast....

I don't know about anyone else, but I grew up and now reside in Chicago. This city may have been named "The Windy City" because of the political history, but let me tell you, the weather can get pretty crazy too.
You can experience all aspects of the weather spectrum in one twenty-four hour day.
And the thing is, when you grow up in an environment like that, you learn how to not only anticipate the weather, but also prepare for it.
The same thing goes for relationships, especially marriage. Just as there are seasons in time, there are seasons in your marriage. It should never stay the same way for too long. As you grow in age and experience, so should your marriage. What fun is it to be the same no matter what? Without growth, learning and wisdom, you would never change as a person. Would you want to have the same exact thought process now as an adult that you had when you were a freshman in high school?
Of course not! The wisdom that you have gained is priceless to you. It shaped you into the mature woman you are today. You weathered the storms in your life and came out ahead. The same goes for your marriage.
You just have to be prepared when the seasons change.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

"There is an opportune time to do things, a right time for 

everything on earth:

A right time for birth and another for death, 

A right tine to plant and another to reap, 

A right time to kill and another to heal,

A right time to destroy and another to construct,

A right time to cry and another to laugh, 

A right time to lament and another to cheer,

A right time to make love and another to abstain, 

A right time to embrace and another to part,

A right time to search and another time to count your losses,

A right time to hold on and another to let go,

A right time to rip out and another to mend,
A right time to shut up and another to speak up,

A right time to love and another to hate, 

A right time to wage war and another to make peace." (The Message)

Wow. That just about covers it all, huh?

Take a moment to look at the amazingly adorable little girl in the picture above. That's my youngest daughter in one of her "looks". She seems to be dressed in preparation for everything; Rain, cold, sun... She's well prepared. She anticipated rain, sleet and snow. Even in the house! Now that's preparation. 

That's the same way that we should be. No, we aren't expecting struggles and challenges to come up often between us and our husbands. However, any time you share personal space, finances and bodily fluids with someone, things can get sketchy. You have to live and thrive with another human being, someone that may be completely different than you. Disagreements are bound to appear. But its how you handle them that will determine the outcome. 

There is a time to voice an opinion and a time to listen. A time to work and a time to chill. A time to be away from each other and a time to get real close. A time to be a mother and a time to be a wife. There is going to be a time that you will have to get together and get over the hump together. There is going to be a time when everything seems hunky dory. There is going to be a time when that man will make you madder than you've ever been. What will you do about it? There's going to be a time when you'll love him more than cheesecake. What will you do then?
There's a time for every situation, every emotion and every action. You just have to know when to where the coat, and when you break out the flipflops. Adjust to  the environment and don't let the weather shake you.

Dress appropriately....